Hearing B's True Voice!

You know those touching videos that show a parent hearing their child's voice for the very first time?  This Tuesday I had the privilege of hearing my oldest daughter's true voice for quite possibly the first time since I have known her these last two years.  First, we have an AMAZING therapist.  Tuesday, after suffering horrific dirty looks all the way to the therapist office, B decided that I should come in with her and not Dad.  This is kind of a very huge, big deal.  B has an enormous mountain of 'mommy issues' and it doesn't seem to matter that for the most part, I am not the mommy of the origin of these issues.  Each day is a struggle.  Each day I choose to begin anew and soldier on.  Each day I pray that B will choose to start to deal with the traumatic, confusing, horrible, messed up beginning of her life so that she may begin to move forward.  

We are in the therapist office and B is doing her usual whiny, I'm not really going to say anything, can't I play already, if I wait forever to answer maybe you will give up routine.  All of a sudden, I hear this delightful, charming, adorable voice; her voice, but really HER!  I wish I could tell you exactly what she said, not that it would sound monumental for anyone other than those closest to her.  It was something like, "I was really sad because I didn't want XYZ to be mad at me."  You may be thinking that this is not exactly an epiphany, but trust me; it is.  B is such a detached, sad, mad young lady that she has trouble identifying pictures of emotions, let alone identify what she is feeling.  She did go on to elaborate a little more on her sadness, but the point is she figured out she was sad.

Yes, I totally had one of those 'first' mommy moments.  The sweetness and genuineness of her young voice was such a gift! Please don't get me wrong, my child is not non-verbal.  She talks, she talks about lots of things.  Yet, this was the very first time I heard her true inner voice sing out!  She IS in there!  She made a couple of more appearances and you better believe I quickly stored them in my memory bank.  This is a child that gave me such black, angry, nasty looks before the therapist appointment that I had to ask her not to look at me until she could at the very least be respectful.  WOW.  God is great.  She went on to ask if I could read what she had written so far of 'her story'.  That is a world class definite honor, and I humbly accepted.  'Her story' is what we are desperately trying to get her to tell so that she might be able to let go of some of her anger and hurt and begin to heal.  We are at a point in her therapy and her education that she is the only block to her success.  I am a tough mama, but I can not do this work for her.  There is hope.  Maybe she really does hear us.  I pray that I am always mindful that she will know that I hear her whenever she chooses to exercise that new-found beautiful voice!

Reactive Attachment Disorder is one of my biggest enemies and I often don't know how to tame it, let alone conquer it.  Perhaps, it can never be conquered; only tamed.  I know that she has been through so much in her short life.  I find it frustrating that by not being able to tell her story she is continuing to let the abuse and neglect have control of her present and future.  Currently, we are undergoing a construction project that will make her a much smaller, cozier bedroom.  It is my prayer that she find some comfort and rest in her new space and continue to test out her new, true voice.  It has been almost two years and I often don't see the progress that is being made.  I am learning to not second-guess myself or worry about what other family members or moms think about my choices and parenting style and to continue on.  We are all getting stronger as we grow as a family and I make no apologies that I know what is best for my girls and I will do all that is within my power to provide them with exactly what they need, when they need it.  I am almost over the embarrassment when these needs do not neatly line up with where we are or what I think we need to be doing.  As for my enemy, RAD, we will take tomorrow as it comes and perhaps tame it just a wee bit more each day. 

Girls' Day Out!

This weekend is the one year anniversary of our newly expanded family!  After a long, soul-searching week it was great to get away for a day.  I am so proud of the girls.  Today consisted of an early morning, a very long car ride, a walk-a-thon with lots of people, a newspaper photographer that had to be told in front of the girls that he couldn't take their picture because they were foster kids, a two mile walk; followed by another long car ride home!  Talk about triggers, today was full of them.  C had one minor melt down, right before the walk that was most definitely and 'age appropriate' moment.  B did awesome; right up until the last five minutes of the car ride when she realized that today had gone well!  She has a built-in self destruct button that at a certain level of happiness kick in and she totally unravels. 

All in all, a great day.  We have come a long way!  My prayer for the beginning of our second year together is that we have more days that are normal, regular days.  That the girls might now the gift of those days without worry, fear, unhappiness, pain, sadness, hurt, confusion.  With the turmoil of this week and what it may or may not bring I remind myself that it is not my plan, but His. 

Thank God It's Friday!

Wow, has it been a long week of adjustments.  We made it through the first week of school, barely!
My tired brain still needs to process so I thought I would share to 'pins' that are helping me recharge for week #2!

So, let's bring on the weekend!

How do you spell devotion? G-U-S!

I started this blog declaring that my role model was our rogue sheep, Zoe.  That was then, this is now.  If you are not an animal lover, this post may make no sense to you at all.  I am sure that God provides us with role models when they are needed most.  Some of my most influential role models have been of the fleecy, furry kind!  Zoe was such a blessing, I hope that she is bouncing through fields chasing our Molly & Bear with my Mom laughing at the sight.  We still have her sister, Clara who has taken up the sassy where her sister left off.  Zoe would be most proud!  I took the strength of her individuality and sass and it helped me become stronger at a time in my life that I was starting to doubt myself, my path, and general goodness of the world and I am forever grateful for those lessons.

Today, we are on an entirely different adventure of fostering to adopt two other sisters; they are two-legged this time!  B is 8 and C is almost 4.  They came to us last September and it has been a year full of adventure, growth, laughter, wonder and God's grace!  I am blessed with a role model that exudes unconditional love; Gus is one hundred pounds of pure devotion.  Certainly, there is no mistake that dog is God spelled backwards.  It took me over twenty years and lots of 'daddy' issues to truly understand the depth of my Father's love for me, that unconditional (Really!) love that can never be broken.  Just in case I might forget, Gus entered our world.  He was almost one when the girls came to live with us and it took a lot of time for him to figure out that the girls would like him much better if he didn't knock them over!  A year into the experiment he helps B regulate her body, with a physical representation of Gus will have a calm body if you have a calm body.  He teaches the girls they must take turns~he returns the tennis ball to whoever needs the next turn, no one left out of Gus' games.  Most importantly, he reminds me to take time to relax or exercise (his favorite is when I throw his tennis ball over and over until he drops) and recharge.

I would not trade the adventure that is B & C for the world, but it comes with a large amount of obstacles (built-in and thrown in) that we have had to overcome.  How comforting after hours of comforting a crying child that has been through so much in her short life; to open her door and to stumble on a warm, curled-up, patient Gus.  Devotion.  We are extremely lucky that Gus has chewed/destroyed very little, especially for a lab!  However, we have a gate at the top of our stairs, with a very small landing on the top of the stairs before that gate that Gus can squeeze himself into.  It started with Gus content to lay his head on the gate and wait, then he started nibbling on one spindle.  Next thing we know, he managed to chew through the spindle.  Some how, that very large dog can get his entire body through an eight-inch opening so that he is not separated from his Mom and girls-amazing!  I will have to post a picture of the very small opening with a very large Gus on the other side.  I would not say that Gus is graceful in his attempt to get through the gate, but so far he has managed to slither through each time.  Lucky for us, he has finally stopped growing ( I think) and we shouldn't have to cut him out of the gate in a failed attempt.  Something tells me that Gus would not let anything get between him and me, or him and his girls.  No one explained this adventure to Gus or what his 'job' would be, but he has certainly shown that he is up for the adventure and the dog to help us all stay sane (or mostly) through this adoption adventure!

Gus says it does have it's rewards!

He really does move some times, too!  As you can see, he is a great teacher!  We have to run, nap time is almost over which means Gus will have to get off the couch where he is sleeping in the sun and get to work!

Most people dye eggs to prepare for Easter. . .

but at our house we are dying wool instead!

How else are we going to find the right shade of pink for the inside of bunny ears and for bunny noses?  And what is Easter without some yellow fuzzy chicks?  I will post pics of the finished products, I am working on more felted critters for my etsy store.

Of course, that means a little less time doing this. . .

not that Gus doesn't try to help with the irresistible smell of wool!  :)

And yes, that is our real-life bunny inspiration in the background, his name is Barney.

March 7, 2011

More of our furry family. . .

 

This is Gus before we brought him home, it is so hard to believe that he was ever that little!

And this is Gus, still growing and growing and growing.  He is over 40 pounds at 4 1/2 months.  He is posing in this picture with all that remains of his favorite Christmas present.  Doesn't he look innocent?

And this is Gus last week with our house guest, Sadie.  It took over a week of letting her sleep on his dog bed, bringing her his favorite toys, licking her face, following her everywhere she went; finally she played with him! 

One year later. . .

Wow, a lot has changed in one small year!  Unfortunately, Zoe passed away in the spring of 2010, I am comforted that she passed peacefully in her sleep curled up under her favorite sugar maple with her sister, Clara nearby. 

There will never be another Zoe but her sister Clara is certainly feeling more independent and brave in her small flock of two at our house.  In late summer of 2010, Clara and Pearl arrived at our home in the back of our good friend Karen's SUV (sorry, Karen :( ).  Clara followed me right into her new paddock, toured her new sheep shed and then seemed like she completely understood that it was to be her forever home.  That is how Clara came to be the 'alpha' sheep of her small flock.  It didn't take long for Clara to realize that she wasn't 'just a sheep' any more.  Her flock mate is Pearl, a very sweet Border Leicester that grew up at the Remick Country Doctor Museum & Farm.  Pearl is credited with capturing John's heart within the first five minutes she was home.  My husband is a very easy-going guy, but I don't think he ever truly believed me when I kept telling him that I wanted a house with a place for Zoe & Clara to retire when their Museum gig was over.  He took the news well, built us a sheep shed, and even put up the fencing, but I wouldn't say that John was as excited about the sheep living with us as I was.  He was gracious enough to come home from work for the momentous occasion, climbed into the sheep paddock to greet our new girls and Pearl looked up at him with those big beautiful sheep eyes and he was g-o-n-e!  She has realized that she has it good in this flock of two, as well.  Pearl even managed to get out last month, not that that was a hard task-the snow is really, really deep and she just had a short hop over the fence.  The trouble was, she couldn't figure out how to get back in and she was in such a panic on the snowy paths that I was worried that she might slip before I figured out how to get her back in.  With a little team work I got Pearl back in over the fence and I guess she decided the grass wasn't any greener on the other side of the fence because she hasn't tried it again-it put her on the wrong side of the hay rack and she really likes her hay. 

Clara & Pearl mowing our lawn, they earn their keep!

Pearl, looking regal!