Hearing B's True Voice!

You know those touching videos that show a parent hearing their child's voice for the very first time?  This Tuesday I had the privilege of hearing my oldest daughter's true voice for quite possibly the first time since I have known her these last two years.  First, we have an AMAZING therapist.  Tuesday, after suffering horrific dirty looks all the way to the therapist office, B decided that I should come in with her and not Dad.  This is kind of a very huge, big deal.  B has an enormous mountain of 'mommy issues' and it doesn't seem to matter that for the most part, I am not the mommy of the origin of these issues.  Each day is a struggle.  Each day I choose to begin anew and soldier on.  Each day I pray that B will choose to start to deal with the traumatic, confusing, horrible, messed up beginning of her life so that she may begin to move forward.  

We are in the therapist office and B is doing her usual whiny, I'm not really going to say anything, can't I play already, if I wait forever to answer maybe you will give up routine.  All of a sudden, I hear this delightful, charming, adorable voice; her voice, but really HER!  I wish I could tell you exactly what she said, not that it would sound monumental for anyone other than those closest to her.  It was something like, "I was really sad because I didn't want XYZ to be mad at me."  You may be thinking that this is not exactly an epiphany, but trust me; it is.  B is such a detached, sad, mad young lady that she has trouble identifying pictures of emotions, let alone identify what she is feeling.  She did go on to elaborate a little more on her sadness, but the point is she figured out she was sad.

Yes, I totally had one of those 'first' mommy moments.  The sweetness and genuineness of her young voice was such a gift! Please don't get me wrong, my child is not non-verbal.  She talks, she talks about lots of things.  Yet, this was the very first time I heard her true inner voice sing out!  She IS in there!  She made a couple of more appearances and you better believe I quickly stored them in my memory bank.  This is a child that gave me such black, angry, nasty looks before the therapist appointment that I had to ask her not to look at me until she could at the very least be respectful.  WOW.  God is great.  She went on to ask if I could read what she had written so far of 'her story'.  That is a world class definite honor, and I humbly accepted.  'Her story' is what we are desperately trying to get her to tell so that she might be able to let go of some of her anger and hurt and begin to heal.  We are at a point in her therapy and her education that she is the only block to her success.  I am a tough mama, but I can not do this work for her.  There is hope.  Maybe she really does hear us.  I pray that I am always mindful that she will know that I hear her whenever she chooses to exercise that new-found beautiful voice!

Reactive Attachment Disorder is one of my biggest enemies and I often don't know how to tame it, let alone conquer it.  Perhaps, it can never be conquered; only tamed.  I know that she has been through so much in her short life.  I find it frustrating that by not being able to tell her story she is continuing to let the abuse and neglect have control of her present and future.  Currently, we are undergoing a construction project that will make her a much smaller, cozier bedroom.  It is my prayer that she find some comfort and rest in her new space and continue to test out her new, true voice.  It has been almost two years and I often don't see the progress that is being made.  I am learning to not second-guess myself or worry about what other family members or moms think about my choices and parenting style and to continue on.  We are all getting stronger as we grow as a family and I make no apologies that I know what is best for my girls and I will do all that is within my power to provide them with exactly what they need, when they need it.  I am almost over the embarrassment when these needs do not neatly line up with where we are or what I think we need to be doing.  As for my enemy, RAD, we will take tomorrow as it comes and perhaps tame it just a wee bit more each day.